Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans. In all your ways acknowledge HIM and He will make your paths straight.
— Proverbs 5:3
— Proverbs 5:3
Each week I select articles that I feel might be on interest to my readers and post them on my web site tab called, "Weekly News" I list about 10-12 news worthy tips, stories, resources and other blogs on caregiving. I filter out stories about criminal activity by caregivers who take advantage of their care-receiver because most of those stories are about professional or hired caregivers. Some are stories about relatives taking advantage of relatives. I warn my readers to be very careful in handling assets and posessions of thoser you are caring for. Christian Caregivers are called to a loving service. Honoring the one we care for with our love and integrity is a God given responsibility. May the stories and resources I list in weekly news help us to be mindful in providing our Christian care.
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Take Your Oxygen First
by Leeza Gibbons, James Huysman and Rosemary DeAngelis Laird 2009 Lachance Publishing New York Leeza Gibbons of Entertainment Tonight shares her experience as a caregiver for her mother. She shares this work with very qualified coauthors to encourage, educate and empower the reader to get a handle in the difficult journey of caregiving for a parent who is experiencing a memory loss disorder. Readers are encouraged as the title states to take care of themselves first and prepare for a marathon rather than a sprint. Since memory loss is the challenge of her mother, this book goes into a detailed explanation of the various aspects of degenerative memory loss and where to find help. Caring for the caregiver is divided into three sections. Caring for the Body covers the special strengthening exercises caregivers might need in caring for their loved one. The back, neck and shoulder muscles may be required in transferring, lifting and other physical maneuvers. These exercises are important to help prevent injury to the caregiver. Eating well, with a good nutritional plan, is critical for the stamina required in caregiving. We have all heard good nutritional advice, this book provides reasons caregivers should pay attention. Brain fitness and sleep are critical for the stress placed upon the caregiver. Advice is given on keeping the brain sharp, relaxing the brain and finding the sleep to recharge. Special attention is paid to insomnia, its cause and suggested helps. Caring for the mind focuses on depression and anxiety. The reader learns the signs of depression and anxiety and ways to available to treat the symptoms. Suggestions are made for lifestyle changes and stress management techniques. The challenge of overcoming denial and guilt so that our attention can be placed on the loved one is addressed. Anger is another feeling that must be managed. Helpful suggestion on working through anger are given. Finally, Caring for the Caregiver’s spirit completes the focus of the book. The family is very important to Leeza. Her encouragement to collect memories and save them in journals, scrapbooks, telling and writing stories that should not be forgotten are helpful, not only to the caregiver, but for those not as close to direct caregiving. She supports connecting with the readers spiritual roots to provide meaning for the caregiver’s life. It is the spiritual life that helps us accept the pain of loosing a loved one and finding new meanings in life. Finding those new meanings are called the payoff. Eph. 4:32, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Caregiving can be exhausting and stressful. We may not always be at our best in handling surprises and crisis. Karen, my wife and Bob, my brother and I had one big challenge in caring for my mom. We had recently moved my mom to independent living and she came down with pneumonia and fell with a suspected fracture in her ankle. While in the hospital and the following rehab facility, her doctor took her off Elavil because he didn’t like that medication for older people. My mom had been on Elavil for years. Her mood changed for the worse and she became very angry. She lashed out at my wife and my brother in very hurtful ways. My mom said things I had never heard come out of her mouth before. She didn’t lash out much at me because she needed me for her care. Needless to say this brought a lot of angst and turmoil in the family. We were in for a very difficult 5 month stretch. Hurts are very real and can be very deep. We tried to figure out what was happening. Was it the dementia? Was it the medicine? Was it grief from losing my dad, her husband of almost 70 years? Was she suffering from the loss of abilities in sight, hearing, mobility? Was it the move and loss of being with her friends? Was it regrets? Was it the diminished ability to suppress the ‘old adam’ that is in all of us? The answer to all these questions is YES. Then things got testy between Karen and me. It was stressful time between us when my mom attacked my wife. My mom also told my brother she wished he never had been born. Her anger was tearing us apart. We needed repair in the family. Scripture doesn’t use the word “repair”. Scripture uses words like confession, forgiveness, absolution and reconciliation. That is just what my family needed NOW. Karen and I were getting short with each other and we hurt each other. My brother kept the phone ringing, just like my mom with her angry calls. We were all creating more mess to clean up in addition to the mess coming from my mom’s anger. I was getting to the place where I couldn’t take any more. Have you ever been there? Eph. 4:26 says, “Be angry, but do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger.” We couldn’t get things resolved before sun down. We were exhausted. In our exhaustion and stress we sinned against each other. Why is confession so hard during times like this? I guess we could only focus on our own hurt and vulnerability and lost empathy for the hurt and vulnerability of the other. We needed to confess two things to each other. I had said things that hurt Karen and she had said things that hurt me. We needed to speak up when we were hurt and tell each other what hurt us rather than strike back. We couldn’t see our hurtful words, only the words launched at ourselves. We needed to give the hurts a name other than ‘you’. The second confession we needed to make to each other was our love for each other. Our vows were for better or worse. Well this was the worse. You have heard of ‘through thick or thin”. Well this was the thick. Bottom line in the values we both held about marriage was marriage is for keeps. This episode in our life would pass, but our love for each other was for life. So we named our problem and our Christian call to forgive, and we needed a lot of forgiveness in our family. We have to forgive. The Lords prayer we say includes the words, “and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive each other.” We needed to turn our reactions around. We needed to respond to each other in helpful ways. I thank God we were in a church that says the Lord’s prayer every Sunday in worship. Each week we also say together the Apostles Creed in which we recite together that we believe in the “forgiveness of sins.” I held on to those words each week. Because of this 5 month ordeal into the pit of stress and the fracturing of relationships those words have grown so important to me in my understanding of the Gospel. The Gospel of forgiveness was the only way out for me and my family. Forgiveness was the only way to facilitate healing. Absolution and reconciliation are different from confession and forgiveness, but just as important. Reconciliation is a process of restoring the healthy relationship of love. In our anger we had sinned. Confession and forgiveness is only the first step towards healing. As my mom’s demential increased she forgot what she was angry about. We did not want to remind her lest we start everything up again. My mom was not going to move through confession and forgiveness in the way the rest of us could. We needed to believe and accept that the mom we knew did not want to hurt us. She was only expressing the suffering she felt and lashed out because she was hurting and suffering. We had to let go for her and just focus on the confession and forgiveness we needed to make. Christ had made reconciliation for us all. Our reconciliation with my mom would be in our care for her, our continued love for her. Our reconciliation became our ministry to her and her needs. Paul writes in II Cor 5:19, “God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them.” Therefore, we also needed to stop counting sins and holding those sins against each other. My mom forgot what she was angry about. Now Karen and I needed to do the same. It was harder for us because we still remembered the hurts and words. It was the stress, fears, exhaustion and worry that weakened us and our relationship. We have forgiven each other and my brother has forgiven our mom. Now when we worship and confess our sins we hear the words of absolution (the pronouncement of forgiveness in an official way) and receive those wonderful words as Gods words of absolution for us. We are free to live anew. If any part of our story fits your story we hope that you can find some helpful thoughts to bring healing to your family. Don’t let your relationships die during this time of caregiving. Karen and I have learned from this experience, we have grown through these stresses and challenges of caregiving. Our relationship is moving into a new depth through confession, forgiveness and now reconciliation. We believe Christian caregivers are called into a ministry of caregiving. We have been helped by fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith. Jesus has taught us through the words of scripture, our worship and devotional time together. We looked for a Christian Caregiver Support Group during this time of care for my mom. We found some listings. When we called so we could participate, we were told that they no longer met. This was true when we were in San Antonio and also when we moved to Kansas City. We could not find any groups in churches in either city. That is why we are starting the Christian Caregiver Support Ministry in churches, beginning at Christ Lutheran Church in Overland Park, KS. That is why I have started this web site (www.christiancaregivingsupport.com). I am working on a structure and training program for churches interested in organizing a team who are called to be caregivers caring for caregivers. If you might be so called and I might be of assistance, please let me know. Jesus Calling
Sarah Young 2004 Thomas Nelson What a wonderful devotional book inspired by an older book called God Calling edited by A.J. Russell and published by the Berkley Publishing Group in 1978. God Calling was given to me in 1973 by Sharon Patton writting to me in the cover, “the simple love in serving God in these passages have helped guide my daily path.” Thanks Sharon for your gift years ago. Now those words are made anew in Sarah Young’s book that I highly recommend for the Christian caregiver. The medications are short and personal. Written as if god had a special word to us for the day. Karen, my wife, and I read these daily among other devotional books. Each meditation references scripture to be read with the devotion and we read them. Many we know and have memorized. The scriptures are made new in the context of Sarah’s meditation. I have referred to one of them in a previous blog. It is important to start the day with the Word and Sarah make the Word accessible. The thoughts are not complicated theological expositions. They are directive from the one who is our source and strength to get through the day. The book is not expensive. It is nicely bound with a cloth book marker to keep place in the book. Each day has its own devotion and can be used year after year. The reader will not grow tired of this devotional book. The message is always just what is needed for the caregiver, just what Jesus would say to you directly. John 11:35 “Jesus wept”, is the shortest verse in scripture. Did you know this is a caregiver story? Let’s go to the beginning and see what caused Jesus to cry.
The story begins in the first verse of John 11 with the declaration that Lazarus, the brother of Mary and Martha was sick. We don’t know what is wrong with Lazarus, only that is is serious enough for Mary and Martha to send word to Jesus. Mary and Martha were very concerned. The word they send to Jesus is, “Lord, the one you love is sick.” These words do not sound like a prayer, but they are. Surrounding these seven words are so many feelings. What is your prayer for someone you love? How would you express your words for to Jesus? I wonder why they didn’t say, “Jesus, please come here right away and heal Lazarus, Lord, we need you now.” These sisters were Lazarus’s caregivers in his illness. They were concerned enough to send word to Jesus knowing they needed Jesus help. Were the sisters anticipating the worst? Do you wonder what lies in the future for someone you love? The sisters loved Lazarus and their feelings of worry and concern were very real. You would think that they would say to Jesus, “Lord, the one we love is sick.” Isn’t that appropriate? Maybe we need to be reminded that our loved one is also the one Jesus loves. Jesus had a history with this family and they reminded Jesus that Lazarus was the one Jesus loved. These words of the sisters focus on a direct relationship of love between Lazarus and Jesus. I wonder what Lazarus’s prayers might have been in the capsule of his mind. Jesus delayed two days. Lazarus died. Jesus came to Bethany and found Martha and Mary being comforted by their friends. The sisters must have felt let down by Jesus. When Martha saw Jesus her feelings came out as she said, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” She blames Jesus! Jesus did not meet up to her expectations. It was His fault. She was hurt. Are you hurt or angry when God does not live up to your expectations? Martha’s relationship with Jesus is stronger than her hurt or anger. She goes on and says, “But I know even now God will give you whatever you ask.” Martha holds on to Jesus love and her faith in Him. Jesus says, “Your brother will rise again.” Martha says, “Yes, I know about the resurrection on the last day.” Her pain will linger for a long time, until the ultimate resurrection. The sting of loss. The pain of feeling Jesus let her down. Her long term hope was smaller than her near term pain. Hope sounded to her like a platitude. Jesus then meets Mary. Her words are exactly the same as Martha’s words. “Lord, if you had been here, m brother would not have died.” The sisters had talked about this a lot before Jesus came. Martha we know from another time with Jesus. She was the practical one, focused on a dinner for Jesus. Mary we know as the one who sat at Jesus feet to soak up all His words. Mary, after saying, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died”, bursts out in tears. Those comforting her also could not contain their tears. This expression of love in their weeping moved Jesus deeply and He was troubled by their feelings of loss. “Where have you taken Lazarus?” Jesus asked. “Come and see,” they replied. Jesus walked with them to the tomb and that is when Jesus wept. The Jews said, “See how he loved him!” I think Jesus loved them all. He was moved by seeing the sting of death, the human morning of one who has died. Jesus came to the tomb and was once more deeply moved. Lazarus was raised from the dead by Jesus and joy returned to the house of Mary and Martha. Lazarus would have another day to face his death again, as would Mary and Martha. Were Mary and Martha good caregivers? What did they do right? I believe they were physically present in Lazarus’s care. I believe they loved Lazarus. They interceded for Lazarus in their prayer (message) to Jesus. Their faith, in the midst of question, remained. The real seed of hope are in the words of both sisters when they addressed Jesus as “Lord.” Jesus is Lord. That is the first confession of the church. Even in their feelings of disappointment, their hurt, their grief, their lack of understanding, the loss in their life, their anger at Jesus delay - in faith and love they addressed Jesus as LORD. By this address and confession they are saying, “I believe you are the Christ, the Sn of God, who was promised and has come into the world.” In life, in death and in life again Jesus is LORD. Soon they will morn again. Jesus is going to Jerusalem to die. They will morn again, not for Lazarus, but for Jesus. But like Lazarus, Jesus will rise from the dead, never again to die. Mary and Martha will remember that Jesus said to them, “I am the resurrection and the life.” The call to caregiving is a loving responsibility. It is a privilege to honor and love. As Ken Haugk writes in his book titled, “Christian Caregiving, A Way of Life,” there are times when we cannot control all that we would like. Our faith becomes a valuable resource to help us through our difficulties. In Jesus own mysterious way, we pray that He will answer your call and give you what you need. Jesus weeps with those who weep that He may will rejoice those who rejoice. May God bless and be with all, His wonderful caregivers. Letters From the Land of Cancer
by Walter Wangerin, Jr 2010 Zondervan Grand Rapids, Mi. On December 26, 2005 Professor and Pastor Wangerin of Valparaiso University, husband and father of four, was diagnosed with cancer. This book is a collection of letters he wrote to family and friends over about a two year period. Through these letters the reader journeys with him through hope, fear, suffering, love, faith and infirmity. A caregiver for one with cancer might get insight into some un-expressed thoughts that their loved one might be thinking. He eloquently reflects on end of life issues and what it means to live and die well. The reader joins Walter Wangerin through the many procedures and many doctors that take a toll on his body and the resultant mood swings. His Biblical understanding of being called and named by Christ gives meaning to his life here and in the hereafter. This is a book about facing mortality. Letter #19 is more of a Bible study put in letter form to one of his students and a worthwhile read. Professor Wangerin is my age. We are both adoptive parents. He wrote a book with Matthew, one of his adopted sons, called, “Father & Son, Finding Freedom.” This second book (of many he has written) was published the year following the letters written from the land of cancer. Cancer is difficult. But I picture healing and blessings coming in the midst of difficult times. We have never met, but we share a common savior. I am happy to report that he is scheduled to preach at the Valpo chapel this Sunday, Feb. 3, 2013. I highly recommend all his books, this one especially for one caring for a loved one with cancer. Are you angry with God? Express your anger directly to God.
Psalm 22 puts God on trial, sort of. Jesus even quotes this Psalm from the cross. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” How could God have let this happen to me, my family, my loved one? I am really angry at you God! “Why are you so far from me, so far from the words of my groaning? I cry out by day, but you do not answer me, by night and am not silent.” You are God, aren’t you? You made promises didn’t you? Why do I feel so alone? I thought I knew you, but now I wonder if you are there? David was angry with God. “In you our fathers put their trust; they trusted and you delivered them. They cried to you and were saved; in you they trusted and were not disappointed. Hey God, what about me. Do you see, do you notice? You helped our spiritual ‘Fathers’. They thought you were real. They told me about how you delivered them. Maybe you don’t understand my situation. God, I am really on the ropes here. My life is going down the tubes. I can’t get the help I need and I am getting worn out. I have been dealt a hard blow in this life and have a bad hand dealt to me. Am I being punished for some great sin? Have I fallen out of your favor? Others see my situation, and even they wonder how my God could let this happen to me. I believe you are the creator of the world. You gave me life, a heritage of faith and Christian parents. So where are you, God? It seems like my circumstances are pressing on me constantly. I get angry at the ones I love. And they tear right back at me. I feel helpless and afraid. My heart for life is melting away like melting wax. I am running out of energy and strength. I do not feel like the person I want to be. And I am angry. Why have you forsaken me? We all have great WHY questions to bring to God when we see Him face to face. David continues. God, I need you. I need strength and help. I am at my end. Please come quickly and help me. I need a deliverance and rescue for myself and for those I love. What can I do, God. Why have you forsaken me? David comes to the same God who he accuses of forsaking him and writes in verse 22 of Psalm 22. “I will declare your name to my brothers; in the congregation, I will praise you.” Tell God your anger. Go out in the woods and yell at God. God gave you your feelings. Let them out. God is a great God and can take all your anger and frustration. Don’t hold back. Ephesians 4:26 Paul acknowledges we get angry. He reminds us in our anger not to sin. Telling God how you feel is not a sin. Not talking to God at all is a sin. As you tell God what you are angry about let your feelings turn into an open, honest heart that needs healing. Let your spewing of words turn into a humble, exhausted prayer asking for God to come again closer to you. God has not forsaken you. He came to David when David was really down and David declares God's name. David closes the Psalm by saying, "for He has done it." God promises to listen to our cries for help and wait to see what God will do. That same down and out David wrote Psalm 23. You might have heard it before. David had experienced the depths and pain of life. He discovered that God was there with him even in the valley when he felt that God had forsaken him. You might be in the valley of the shadow of death. But God has not forsaken you. Call out His name, even in anger and then trust him. God will help you see life differently. So how does God respond when we are very angry with Him. God listens with a loving, understanding heart. Jesus cried on the cross "my God, why have you forsaken me," also said, "into your hands I comment my spirit." Joy Boosters
120 Ways to Encourage Older Adults Missy Buchanan 2012 Upper Room Books How do you put a smile on their face? How can you cheer up someone experiencing an unwanted move? How can you encourage an elderly man who must put his wife in memory care? How can you make the most of a visit with an elderly person? These are the question Missy responds to in her helpful book. She has 120 thought provoking suggestions that children and grandchildren can adapt to their situation. She begins with discussion starters (especially helpful for grandchildren) to learn more about the past of their parent or grandparent. I know my mom loved to tell the story about how she met my dad and what her childhood was like. Missy has suggestions on what church members might do if the “adopt” someone to visit at home or in a facility. She has suggestions for making a move into a facility a blessing time. If your loved one is a distance away, Missy make suggestions in keeping a relationship active. Perhaps your loved one would appreciate a special photographic treat. Trips, music, hobbies or any “doing it together” time help you to honor your loved one. Laughter and holiday celebration build great memories to hold in your heart. Missy’s suggestion cover a broad range of possibilities to make time intentional. Perhaps there are ideas that can help you. Missy Buchanan co-authored the book My Story, My Song with Robin Roberts of Good Morning America. Author of several other books, Missy also writes a monthly column for the United Methodist Reporter, as well as Presbyterians Today, Mature Years, Mature Living and MinistryMatters.com. Love in the Land of Dementia
Finding Hope in the Caregiver’s Journey by Deborah Shouse 2006 Creativity Connection Press 613 W. 61 St Kansas City, MO 64113 www.thecreativityconnection.com This is Deborah’s story of caring for her mother who making the journey into the land of Dementia. I made this same journey with my mother. Reading her book I laughed and cried as I remembered my mother. She talks about the progressive changes both physically and relationally that needed to be grieved by her, her dad, brother and her mother. Deborah’s dad lived with her through many of these experiences. But she lost him before she lost her mother. As the dementia progresses Deborah described the efforts she makes to try to connect. Some are silly. I recall doing the same thing with my mother. She describes helping her mother move past anxiety, anger and confusion and find a smile of happiness to share becomes priceless. Working to stay connected is important. The family celebrated their Jewish faith and customs. I respect putting faith into practice as she tells her story. I can highly recommend this book as a helpful story to anyone moving through the land of Dementia and Alzheimer disease with a loved one. The behavior changes, moods, dis-connect and humorous situations are not unique to this book, but those changes are very well described by Deborah Shouse. May I Walk You Home
Sharing Christ’s Love With the Dying by Melody Rossi 2007 Bethany House Publishers What a helpful and inspirational book for families and caregivers supporting someone who is dying without a relationship with Jesus Christ. Melody’s mother, father and step-mother were either hostile to Christianity or not interested in faith. Over a short period of time all three died and Melody was their caregiver. Through her love and service, each of these people became open to talking about God and ultimately to faith. This journey is not just a story of faith sharing, but an example of good Christian caring. She says, “There is nothing that will melt away disbelief faster or more efficiently than plain, ordinary, utilitarian, rubber-meets-the-road serving.” She lists 22 question to find you path to service. Melody includes very practical information in organizing and using emergency information. She suggests finding you support people to help you deal with stress and personal helps. You may discover a spiritual warfare as you seek to speak of spiritual truths and she guides the reader through helpful scriptures. Her description of the signs that death is close can help with our fear as death approaches. I experienced the same awe and wonder (holy time) at the moment of death with my mother. She concludes the book with what to do after the death and the importance of grieving. If you are a Christian this is a must read, not only to serve to an unbelieving family member, but to find resources in facing the death experience with someone you love. |
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Sue Brettmann RN has been devoted to Caregiving both in her career as an RN, Parish Nurse and caring for her aging parents through the last 40 plus years. She has experience in trauma, home care and hospice. Her strong faith walk and relationship with Christ has always been a part of her care and she is committed to helping others see the gift of Christ in their personal journey's. Archives
October 2021
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